Posted: 23 Oct 2009 12:04 AM PDT

One day, after a man had his annual physical, the doctor came out and said, "You had a great checkup. Is there anything that you'd like to talk about or ask me?"
"Well," he said, "I was thinking about getting a vasectomy."
"That's a pretty big decision. Have you talked it over with your family?"
"Yeah, and they're in favor 15 to 2."

Posted: 23 Oct 2009 12:03 AM PDT

An old farmer is having trouble getting his bull to breed with the cows and was lamenting the fact to a few of his friends down at the local beer hall.
One of them said, "Ya know, Ben, I used to have the same trouble with my bull, but I got it fixed really quick."
"How did you get it fixed?" asked Ben.
"Well I just dipped my finger in the cow's vagina and rubbed it all over the bull's nose and he got right after her."
Ben went home to the farm and decided to try it. He grabbed a cow, dipped his fingers in the cow's vagina and rubbed it all around the bull's nose.
The bull got a rip roaring boner and immediately jumped on the cow.
Ben was impressed. That night, he got into bed with his wife and can't get the effect on the bull out of his mind.
As she lay sleeping, Ben dips his fingers into his wife's vagina and feeling that it was nice and wet, rubbed it all around his nose and got a rip roaring hard on.
He quickly shook his wife awake and cried out, "Honey, look!"
She rolled over, turned on the light and said, "You mean you woke me up in the middle of the night just to show me that you have a nosebleed?"

Office party jokes

Posted: 23 Oct 2009 12:03 AM PDT

The Company Christmas Party

FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 4 November 2007
RE: Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks!
We'll have a small band playing traditional carols. Please feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if the CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM.
Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time. However, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pocketbook.
This gathering is only for employees! The CEO will make a special announcement at the party.
Merry Christmas to you and your family.
Pauline

------------

FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 5 November 2007
RE: Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, although unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party."
The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians. There will be no Christmas tree or Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment. Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family,
Pauline

------------

FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 6 November 2007
RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only," you wouldn't be anonymous anymore!
How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?
Forget about the gift exchange, no gift exchange allowed now since the union officials feel that $10.00 is too much money and management believes $10.00 is a little cheap. NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
Pauline

------------

FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 7 November 2007
RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs.
Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party - or else package everything up for you to take home in a little foil doggy bag. Will that work?
Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the toilets. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangements for the gay men's table too.
To the person asking permission to cross dress - no cross dressing allowed.
We will have booster seats for short people. Low fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food. We suggest those people with high blood pressure taste the food first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for diabetics. The restaurant cannot supply "no sugar" desserts.
Sorry! Did I miss anything?
Pauline

------------

FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 8 November 2007
RE: The ****** Holiday Party

Vegetarian jerks: I've had it with you people! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it. You'll get your f****** salad bar, including organic tomatoes, but you know tomatoes have feelings too, they scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW!
I hope you all have a rotten holiday and then drink, drive and die.
Pauline, the B**ch from HELL!

----
FROM: John Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 9 November 2007
RE: Pauline and the Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pauline Lewis a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, the management has decided to cancel our holiday party and instead, give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd December off with full pay.

Really Funny Jokes

>> Friday, October 23, 2009

Really Funny Jokes

0 comments:

Blog Archive